Dear Anonymous,

I apologize for responding to you here, but as your voicemail came from a blocked number and your e-mail came through an anonymizer I don't really have another way to reach you.

I get that you are upset at me and that's cool - it's not like you and I were destined to be best of buddies to start with. I know you think I am a meanie (and have an unnatural relationship with my mother), but I offer the following advice with absolutely no malice or sarcasm:

Don't fucking listen to me anymore!

It really is that simple, I swear.